I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
