I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
