i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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