you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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