hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
