you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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