I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
