I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
