from now on my penis is your penis
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
