Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
