and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
