Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
