I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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