I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
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Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
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I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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