Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i just had sex bonerless
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
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