She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
