so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
