She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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