It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
