This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
