I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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