i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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