I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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