Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
