i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
