I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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