Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
