Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
