She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Im part way to drunk.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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