The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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