Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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