I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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