haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
