I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
