and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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