And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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