Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
