I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
