i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
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ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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