i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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