I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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