we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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