RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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