and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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