im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
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