If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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