I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
