I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
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