I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
