Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
