you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
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Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.