Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
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