Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
