Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
