dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
i think my cat just said my name.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
