i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
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i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
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But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
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