During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
