This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
