so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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