I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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